Introductions

Okay, well let me start by introducing myself. I'd rather not give out my name, so I'm going to go by K. I live in a small country in the Caribbean and I cut myself sometimes. I'm really starting this blog because I'm not good at sharing feelings with others but I think this might be a good outlet. Anyway, I first started cutting when I  was about 11 or 12, it sort of started out of anger, I might have been a little bit depressed too. I have been doing it on and off since that time. I don't cut too deep and I'm very careful where I cut (I don't want anyone to notice the cuts). When I was about 14 or 15 my mom discovered my cutting, of course she wasn't happy about it so she took me to a psychologist who did an evaluation of me aka gave me a multiple choice, then she spent about 5 minutes talking to me. The next week she told my mom that I repress stuff (still don't really understand it) and that I most likely won't talk to her and that was the end of that...never saw anyone again and we never really spoke about my cutting...My mom has also seen me bang my head against the wall and repeatedly hit my hands and arms against stuff in fits of anger but I guess thats not as alarming as the cutting. I really hate sharing my feeling or thoughts with people it makes me uncomfortable and its hard talk about stuff...so right now I'm having a very difficult time writing this! Anyway, I'm 21 now and well I still cut sometimes, but that is far and in between, I only really slip when i'm really upset...well I told you a bit about my mom and I haven't mentioned my father. I live with my mom alone, my parents aren't together. I used to be pretty close to my father I guess, I would call and talk to him all the time and try to make plans to see him, but then when I was around 17 or 18 I realized that I was doing all the work  to maintain a relationship (and it was hard work since he was usually so unavailable) thats when I just stopped trying and you know what, he didn't seem to care, he didn't call or text or anything for months...no contact whatsoever. Then one day he randomly calls after maybe 6 months (or maybe it was a year) to complain that I no longer call. Since, that time our relationship has been the same, we barely talk. I think the longest we have gone with out talking is about 2 years. (oh I should mention he has a wife, and step-son, a daughter and a son) I didn't know getting married and having more children meant that I couldn't be apart of his life anymore. What's most annoying about the situation is that he makes me feel like its my fault that we don't have a relationship anymore when he never picks up the damn phone and gives me a call. One day he did try, he made plans to come to my house and visit, I called him that day to make sure he was still coming, no answer, called about 4 times, to this day I haven't seen him or gotten a return call. So, for now, I guess thats all I'll say. I thought writing this would help me feel better but I just feel worse and want to cut more than ever, anyway I hope you all have a better day/night than I do, bye for now....